20 Signs Your Partner Is Controlling

 

10 Signs Your Partner Is Controlling

1. Isolating you from friends and family

                                    It may begin gently, but for a dominating person, this is frequently the first move. Maybe they don't like your best buddy and don't believe you should hang out with her anymore, or they grumble about how much you chat to him on the phone. Alternatively, they may try to turn you against everyone you've come to rely on for assistance other than them. Their purpose is to deprive you of your support system—and hence your strength—so that you are less likely or capable of standing up to them whenever they want to "win."

2. Chronic criticism—even for small things. 

                                            Criticism, like solitude, can begin in a little way. In reality, someone may try to persuade themselves that their spouse's criticism of them is justified, or that their lover is only trying to help them improve. Alternatively, they may try to explain it by claiming that it isn't such a big issue that he or she doesn't like the way they dress, talk, eat, or arrange their home, and that they shouldn't take it personally. But, no matter how little a critique may appear on its own, if it becomes a consistent dynamic in your relationship, it will be difficult to feel welcomed, loved, or validated. How are you being regarded as a real equal, let alone loved unconditionally, if everything you do might be better in your partner's eyes?

3. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them.

                                Some individuals believe that threats must be tangible in order to be dangerous. Threats of leaving, taking away "privileges," or even threats by the controlling person to hurt herself or himself can be just as emotionally manipulative as physical abuse. It is not uncommon for the controlled spouse to feel trapped in a relationship, not because they are afraid of being hurt, but because they are afraid that their partner would self-destruct or damage themselves if they leave. If a person leaves a controlling or abusive relationship, they may be threatened with losing their house, access to their children, or financial assistance (or are left by them). Whether the threats are true or not, they are just another technique for the controlling person to acquire what they want at the expense of their partner.

4. Making acceptance/caring/attraction conditional.

                                                "When you're making those sales at work, I adore you even more." "I'm not in the mood to get intimate with you. However, if you continue to exercise and decrease weight, you will become more appealing to me." "I'm not sure what I'm getting out of this relationship if you can't even be bothered to prepare supper." "If you put more attention on your hair, you'd be really hot." "If you'd completed college, you'd have something to talk about with my friends and wouldn't feel so isolated." Though some of these examples are more overt than others, the message remains the same: you are not good enough right now. It's the lowest common denominator in a lot of domineering relationships.

5. An overactive scorecard.

                        A feeling of reciprocity is ingrained in healthy, secure partnerships. It's in your nature to watch out for each other and not count every small thing you do to assist one other out. If your spouse keeps track of every last encounter in your relationship, whether to carry a grudge, demand a favor in exchange, or be patted on the back, it might be their way of gaining the upper hand. It may also be somewhat tiring.

6. Using guilt as a tool.

                                    Many controlling persons are expert manipulators who can use their partner's emotions to work in their advantage. If they can persuade their spouses to experience a regular stream of guilt over ordinary events, a lot of the controlling person's job will be done for them—their partners will progressively attempt to avoid feeling guilty. This frequently entails giving up authority and their own dissident viewpoint in the relationship, which plays straight into the hands of the dominating individual.

7. Creating a debt you're beholden to.

                                Controlling others may appear to be quite powerful at first, with very amorous gestures. However, deeper examination reveals that many of those gestures—extravagant presents, early expectations of serious commitment, bringing you out for luxury dinners or on adventurous adventures, allowing you full use of their car or house while they're not there—can be used to dominate you. They establish an expectation of you offering something in return, or a sensation that you owe that person something because of everything they've done for you. When more alarm bells sound, it may be more emotionally and logistically challenging to flee.

8. Spying, snooping, or requiring constant disclosure.

                            A dominating spouse frequently believes they have the right to know more than they do. It is a violation of boundaries from the start, whether they keep their spying hidden or openly demand that you share everything with them. Perhaps he or she continually checks your phone, logs into your email, or follows your Internet history, then excuses it by claiming they've been burned before, have trust issues, or the old standby: "If you're not doing anything illegal, then show me." "It's a breach of your privacy, and it sends the disconcerting impression that they don't trust you and instead wish to impose a police-like presence on your relationship."

9. Overactive jealousy, accusations, or paranoia.

                                        In the beginning, a partner's jealousy may be flattering; it can be perceived as adorable, or as an indication of how much they care or how devoted they are. However, as it grows more severe, it may be frightening and possessive. A spouse who sees every conversation you have as flirting, is suspicious or intimidated by several individuals you meet, or criticizes you for benign exchanges because they think you're "leading someone on" is insecure, nervous, competitive, or even paranoid. Furthermore, if this viewpoint has gotten engrained in your relationship, they are quite likely to want to exert control over you.

10. Not respecting your need for time alone.

                                It's another method of draining your strength: making you feel guilty for taking time to recharge on your own, or making you feel like you don't love them enough when you may require less time from them than they require from you. Even if they are both extroverts, it is inevitable that two couples may not have the same demands in terms of alone time (or introverts). Communication regarding such requirements leads to a workable compromise in good partnerships. The individual who needs alone time is made out to be a monster or denied the time completely in controlling ones, robbing them of another another option to empower themselves.